Are We Really Who We Used to Be
by JannP
Summary: He gets the feeling that you're reaching as hard as you can and you still can't get what you want. He understands—probably better than a lot of people would think—what it feels like to fall short. He also understands hands up and how other people help.


**A/N: ** Spoilers/current through 3X03 - Asian F. Happy Ryan-Adams-New-Album Day! Title from his song **Lucky Now**. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!

**Disclaimer: ** I don't own anything. I don't mean any harm. I also don't have any money so suing me is pointless.

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><p><strong>Are We Really Who We Used to Be<strong>

Finn frowns as he looks over at her. They made this deal that they would spend every Sunday afternoon together, no matter what, just the two of them without homework or anything else. That means for the last seven Sundays, since the deal was made after the first crazy week of school when they barely saw each other, he's spend those afternoons with her in his lap in some way. When it was still warm enough outside, they would spread a blanket out and just lay there and play that game where you say what shapes the clouds are making. Or make out. Or talk. Or any combination.

Later, once they were forced inside by dropping temperatures and Rachel's refusal to stop wearing skirts even though it was too cold, she would lay with her head on his lap and they would watch a couple of movies; usually they'd start talking about...well, anything. That part was usually kind of random. Or they'd start making out and forget they were supposed to be watching something.

But today is different from the rest and, like, really not in a good way. She's at one end of the couch and he's at the other end; she's got her own arms folded, resting on its arm and he's got his legs stretched on out the long side of the L-shaped couch. He knew it was kinda gonna be weird because of the thing with her and Kurt, and okay—here's the deal. She's not gonna win an election and she knows it because most of the people who even know who she is don't really like her; at least half of them only know her because she's dating the quarterback (which he knows is a crappy thing to think, even if it's true). None of that means Kurt isn't kind of pissy about it, and Finn doesn't blame him.

But Rachel is the only one who asked him to pick sides. He's not so good with decisions lately, so…so no. He still doesn't know who he'd pick and he's gotten the impression a couple times she's mad that it's not _her_ right off the top. Then again, he has at least five good reasons not to pick her, too. The best reason he has in her favor is 'cause he likes kissing her and he wants to keep doing it. It has nothing to do with, like, brothers or loyalty or who would do the best job. Actually, he thinks that's Brittany because she—this is saying a lot—tends to be the most normal. Kurt would change the dress code and Rachel would change _everything_ at once 'cause she not only has to have what she wants but she usually wants it immediately.

Anyway, it's not like there's actual anger at the moment. She's not mad, and he knows because he knows what her mad face looks like and this isn't it. She's more…well, she's thinking _hard_ about something. Last time she was thinking that much, he ended up having a conversation about college he was in no way prepared for. So he's kind of nervous to say anything to her, but he can't keep sitting like this and letting the clock tick off 'their' time like it's doing, while she's thinking. Maybe he's a douche for thinking it, but she can think on her own time.

"Hey," he finally says, when he can't stand the silence any more. All right, so _maybe _there was a movie on and there's a pretty good chance he doesn't actually know what it is. He's just been watching her. She pulls her chin away from her arm and sniffles a little bit and _shit …_ was she sitting there crying this whole time? He should've said something sooner. "C'mere." He waves his arm and doesn't miss it that she hesitates before she crawls across the couch to him. He really, really wishes she wouldn't hesitate like he's gonna do anything but hold on to her. He doesn't _have_ to talk.

He doesn't want to talk about the election stuff, honestly, and he knows that's probably what he's starting as he says it, but he wants it to be her over there and him over here, her crying and him thinking, even less than he wants to talk about that. So he starts it. "What's the matter?"

She snuggles her head into his jeans on his thigh and he frowns 'cause even though she's touching him, it's just barely, and that's not what he was going for necessarily. He can tell by the way she takes a breath that she's just getting ready to talk, though, so he doesn't say anything else and instead he just drops his hand from the back of the couch to toy with the side of her neck 'cause that's his favorite place (one of, anyway) on her body to touch and he knows it helps her feel good, too. It's like a magic button that makes her unclench sometimes, but it only kind of works this time and _damn_ she's tense.

"Have you ever just...ended up with something that didn't feel deserved?" She finally asks. She's laying all curled up on her side and her face isn't looking at him at all. Her eye doesn't even dart his way. He stops and really, really thinks about it, in the same way her questions always make him think. He wants to give her an honest answer, even if it means he has to take a minute. She doesn't push him to answer right away either, because she knows what he's doing. She's said she appreciates that he puts thought into it. He did _not_ tell her that's because sometimes talking to her is like a landmine he has to think about before he walks out into.

There have been a bunch of times he didn't feel like he deserved something that happened—whether that was good or bad. He didn't deserve to never really meet his dad; his mom didn't deserve to be a single parent for most of his life—so he didn't deserve to only have one parent, either. He didn't deserve to be really, really good at drumming without much practice at the beginning. He didn't deserve to walk on as quarterback and do so well in practice that he started as a sophomore. He didn't deserve a baby before graduation (and really…in the end that one wasn't on him at all.) He isn't sure she's talking about something that's bad or hard, though. The way she said it makes him think she got something good and she doesn't think she earned it.

It's kind of how he used to feel about her, actually.

The very first time they were ever together, it was fast and it was scary. But more importantly? She made him feel like a real person after Quinn had turned him into dust. Rachel made him feel like he mattered to someone—and then he took some bad advice and instead of just letting himself feel lucky, he felt like he should matter to more than just _her_. But yeah, he had never really felt like he deserved the way she loved him 'til this time around. And that kinda made a lot of difference, actually. It was way easier to be chill now. Though if he's being completely honest, he doesn't know what he did to deserve her either. He's an unfocused loser and torn into about six different directions and it's kind of wrong that she's the only thing he sees clearly; she's the only thing he wants and he's trying really, really hard not to make another person his goal because that seems like a big problem and a lot of pressure and he doesn't deserve that easy of an out, either. See? He doesn't deserve things he has.

Wait. She's not talking about him, right? Like—she was watching Quinn self-destruct and whatever and she knew none of it had anything to do with her, right? Or…or well basically he doesn't know exactly what she's talking about.

"Yeah," he finally says. He's gonna settle in on _her_. Still seems like the safest. "Rachel, you…you deserve it when good things happen to you, you know? Even if sometimes you go a little crazy trying to get them."

"Mercedes deserves the lead in the musical," she says. He feels her shift underneath his hand and she's laying on her stomach, still all curled up and God she looks tiny that way. He doesn't really like it. "She outperformed me."

"I was there," he says. "She didn't outperform you."

He feels her nod and she reaches her hand up to scratch at her nose a little bit as she sniffles again. "Yes she did, Finn. I have no problem admitting it."

"I think the whole NYADA thing is getting to you," he says quietly. She tenses up underneath his hand and he doesn't care if it was the wrong thing to say or not, 'cause it was true. Rachel used to just think everything was hers by default 'cause she works the hardest. Well, now she works double the hardest and she's still doubting herself. It's weird to see her and to really know her confidence is _still _just a huge sham. He thought that was what the whole time apart with them was—time to find what was lost and to feel good and confident again. Then again, he didn't really know what she had done with their time apart and she kept saying it wasn't worth talking about. Maybe it was 'cause she hadn't gotten anything out of being apart.

The next breath she lets out is shaky. "Of _course_ it is, Finn. I've never thought I wasn't the best and…and perhaps it was naïve or it was a complex propagated even further by my dads' unfailing belief and support of me but…but I'm not the best. I'm not even sure I'm _adequate_."

His fingers are combing through the hair at the end of her ponytail and he gets it. He gets the feeling that you're reaching as hard as you can and you still can't get what you want. He understands—probably better than a lot of people would think—what it feels like to fall short. He also understands hands up and how other people help, even if sometimes it's like the championship last year and the way some of those guys helped was by totally flaking out because they had a bad attitude. There were two kinds of help that day; the friends who showed up and the idiots who stayed away and missed out (and eventually kinda came around.)

"Look…there are gonna be times that you get something because someone else brats their way out of it and that's totally what happened here. Mercedes just…she's like you were a couple years ago and it's gonna take her time to realize that's not how you treat people. You…you were fair about the whole thing and you tried to be nice to her and…" he shrugs. "Nothing wrong with taking the part because she refused it. When it's said and done, it's still your part and you didn't do anything nasty to get it so you win. And you're gonna rock it."

"But I wasn't the _best_, Finn."

That's kind of when she really starts to cry and he knows the first thing he said was right and that's what's _really_ bothering her –not being the best at something. And he knows how bad that feeling sucks, too. He may not have said it in so many words last year and he might've just gotten all territorial about it, but Sam was a better quarterback. He gets it; he really does. And he can honestly offer her words of encouragement that he knows she can't say to him in return 'cause what he did to Sam in the end was kind of a dick move (not just kind of, either).

"I think you were. You were the better _person_ anyway and I'm proud of you for that."

"You…you're proud of me?"

"Yeah," he says. "I mean…I might be _more_ proud if you didn't try to take something away from Kurt, too but…"

"I never even put up posters or anything," she mumbles into his leg. "I quit the race as soon as the play list was posted. He still won't talk to me."

She's had a busy weekend. He didn't know any of this.

"Give him time," he says, letting his hand wander over the fabric on the back of her dress. "Give it all time. You don't have to be in such a hurry."

She lets out a laugh that's not really a laugh and sniffles and turns her face into his thigh again and…really, Rachel? Did she just wipe her nose on him? "Have you met me?"

He rolls his eyes. "Yup. That's why I think you should slow down. And maybe, like, grab some Kleenex if you need to wipe your nose. That's all I'm sayin'."

This time her laugh is real and he feels like he won something. This time, he deserved it; he worked for it.

"You know, if someone told me a year ago that we'd be here, I'm not sure I would've actually believed them," she admits quietly as she sits up. She's still leaning on him, though. "You're telling me I'm a good person and you're admitting you've felt inadequacy. We're quite a pair, aren't we?"

He shrugs. "Yeah, well…I have to believe we'll figure it out. And just 'cause we've changed doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Growing up isn't…I mean, parts of it suck, but…I'd like to think that even if we aren't the same people apart as we've always been, together-well, together we're still something special."

She pulls away from him and turns to look at him, which—okay, not the point. Getting closer was the goal, actually. But her smile is wide and real and he answers it with a smile, too. "I forgot about that."

"What are you going to do now that you remember?"

"Perhaps I should ask for an emergency rehearsal of the musical," she starts. She folds her hands in her lap and he has a feeling if she keeps talking, her plans are going to edge in on 'their' time, which… no. He's usually not a put-the-foot-down kinda guy, but this might just make him. "I mean, if the musical is going to be really special, so we can be special being a part of it, then maybe I—"

He tugs on her arm until she falls into him a little awkwardly. "Maybe you should save that for later and be part of something _else._"

"I'm assuming you had something in mind," she says, recovering enough to straddle his lap and this is much, much better than her _crying _in his lap. It's another way they aren't the people, or the couple, they used to be: instead of telling her what he has in mind, he's just gonna show her. Things all around them might change, they might change and have their confidence shaken but…well, once it's shaken, someone has to build it back up.

He hopes it never changes that he's that guy for her. Or she's that girl for him. 'Cause that's how they earned it in the first place and it's why they deserve to be together now. Maybe he _doesn't_ get what she's talking about, not entirely, 'cause he worked hard to have her. She worked hard to have him and in the end—they got what they were working for. He guesses that means they should just dig in and keep working.

They'll get there—wherever _there_ is—eventually.


End file.
